I was eager for a friend of mine to do something. I was certain she was going to do it and I was certain we would both benefit from her doing it. She responded to me: “no thank you”.

When I read the response, my ears reddened (if a black person’s ears can redden).

Let’s first use classical NVC on this

Non-violent communication is simple: we communicate honestly with empathy. Empathy is simply the feelings and needs in the situation. I.e:

1. the eternal non-physical YOU observes a situation
2. the temporary physical YOU notices unmet needs in response to what is observed
3. The temporary physical YOU reacts with negative feelings

In NVC we communicate these feelings and needs to the other party to resolve the conflict.

Examining my feelings and unmet needs in response to the observation “She said ‘no thank you'”:

When my request was refused I felt shocked, mystified and angry because my needs for understanding, cooperation, appreciation, care, consideration, respect, support, to see and be seen, warmth, discovery, learning and growth were not met by the response.

I’m guessing she had no negative feelings about my request except that it might have curbed her needs for self-expression and autonomy. But I’m also guessing she might feel some remorse and pain around teachers and academics because her needs to progress in academics was curtailed for personal reasons.

Now let’s use Pathways to Liberation Matrix on my hurt-puppy-dog-self.

When I look over the Pathways to Liberation matrix:

1. Presence was disturbed. After I read her response, I sat down to meditate and all I could do was wonder why she responded that way and why I got so upset about it. This makes me unskilled in this area.
2. Taking ownership of one’s feelings – I would say I was “capable” in this area because I did not fire back a response acting out of a sense of anguish or victimhood.
3. Request consciousness & making requests – I would say my response was capable but I was attached to a specific strategy to meet my needs. And the attachment is what led my ears to redden.

“I” feel better having done this.

One skill in the liberation matrix is ” Living from the knowledge that every individual is related to every other individual – every part of a system affects every other part. ” which puts “I” in a different context.